I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
