i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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