you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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