I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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