Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
