I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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