Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
