its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
