The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize