Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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