Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
