i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
