Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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