she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
