someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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