I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize