you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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