I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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