Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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