you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
