Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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