found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
