everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
