If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
please don't ironically join a cult
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