My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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