I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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