I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
