apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
