You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
