So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
