Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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