My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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