In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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