Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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