Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
