How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
