What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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