ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Semen is not good for contacts.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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