the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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