Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
