If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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