Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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