if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
