I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
