Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
