my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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