im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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