So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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