you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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