You just made me feel so damn special
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
