also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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