imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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