i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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