Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
