My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
