i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
