Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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