Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
