a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
