Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The ass gains better be worth it
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