apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
