September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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