I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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