$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize